Between the ages of seven and thirteen I hid in the hamper in my sister’s bathroom and watched all of their friends in the shower. It was a wicker hamper and I was undersized so even at thirteen when I was ogling the high school juniors and seniors I still had a good bit of room. Wicker is, depending on its use, often an inferior weave. I could see straight through it. At the height of my pre-pubescent and pubescent perversions I would stick my tongue through the wicker and make animal sounds. I did it once while a cheerleader was pooping and I can’t believe she didn’t turn me in. I mooed like a cow for her. With others I did a naughty elephant. And my silent giraffe, which was rotating the tongue, never even raised an eyebrow. Surmising and musing on those formative years I think about how many naked girls I saw. Thirty is a solid round number. It was probably more like ten. There were tons of repeats, over and over, and I was always excited when I knew they were coming, especially showing up dirty. I would always time it perfectly so it wasn’t a member of the family. Could you imagine the psychotherapy bill? In 2010 while I was thru hiking the Appalachian Trail (south bounder) I walked into a campsite somewhere in Virginia with a few inches of snow on the ground. I am not threatening at all. I am a pleasant fellow I think. Honest and mentally healthy, or I wouldn’t be writing this shit. There was a nice lady alone in the campsite, sixty-five or sixty-six. She was nervous about being in the woods, so I told her the hamper story, to calm her down a bit. She started crying and asked me “if I was going to rub naked up against her tent in the middle of the night?” I replied, “I hadn’t planned to. Perhaps there’s still time to bring somebody in. A familiar, if that’s your groove.” She said “would you do it for a hundred?” I replied “what? Dollars?” We began working out the details of the naked rub. Were there animal sounds involved? Did I need to yell at her? Call her missy? A cousin’s name? We ended up settling on a screaming naked sprint through the camp howling like a wolf. I passed by the tent three or four times and got my howl down pat. I’ve streaked a great deal in my life. Ran through a trailer park in Auburn, Alabama for five vociferous minutes. That having been said on that particular evening when I did my hundred-dollar sprint, I never asked if anyone was with her. Her husband was sitting naked in a tree.